Well, something that was good as it was is now a disaster. I knew all along that she wasn't in love with me, couldn't be in love with me, was still in love with someone else. And yet, I fell for her. Worse, I told her. I actually called her, desperately, to tell her how I felt. I'm an open person. I couldn't possibly have kept my feelings to myself indefinitely.

Still, as I suspected, she does not feel the same for me. Oh, she has lots of love for me, she made that clear, but the kind of love is familial, friendly. Not the kind of love that makes her want to marry me and have children with me. From the beginning I knew where she stood emotionally, so I have only myself to blame. She had some things to say that would have probably been very helpful to me, if I could think about anything but my heart breaking in two.

I still care for her so much, but don't think I can remain her close friend. I hope everything works out for her in the future, of course. She has quite a few adventures ahead. Maybe someday we'll get together for coffee, when we've both lead our separate lives for a while, and we can reminisce about our past. But, as she is so fond of saying, the future doesn't exist yet, so why yearn for it when you've got the here and now?

It's late at night and I have major munchies. So far, as a late-night snack, I've eaten nearly half a pint of double chocolate brownie soy ice cream, a banana nut bread clif bar, and an apricot. And, of course, now I only want something salty. All I have, however, is salt and some steamed vegetables, which would turn this binge into a second dinner rather than snacking. No thanks!

I fell asleep at around 6pm today, thinking I'd take a nap, but instead wound up sleeping until about an hour ago. I only woke up because I had a dream about my mother. Ever since she died, I have had dreams about her where she tells me about my future. Tonight she warned me to keep my heart sacred and safe, and not to give it away easily. As much as I love my mother, I'm pretty sure this is only my imagination; not her reaching out from the grave telling me how to conduct my lovelife.

Y'know, I've been vegan for almost five years now, but at this moment, all I want in the world is brie and a good baguette. Maybe some grapes. Goddddddddddd that sounds good. I need to go to bed again.

I feel incredibly ill after consuming far too much junk food today out of airport vending machines. My connection flight was delayed right around the time I should have been eating lunch, but since they weren't clear about how long it was going to take to get us onto a plane, I didn't feel comfortable eating at one of the restaurants for fear of missing the rescheduled flight. Anyway, my solution was to eat pretzels, starburst candy, tootsie rolls, and anything else that came out of that machine that I thought might be vegan or at least acceptable. Feeling really bad after gorging myself on my second package of rold gold twists, I found a stand that was selling salads, and thought I might counteract the sugar and starch with some greens. Unfortunately, a salad in an airport consists of iceberg lettuce and a large package of fat disguised as italian dressing, which made me feel significantly worse than I did before, if that was at all possible.

Sorry to ramble on about food. I'm so accustomed to having an extremely delicious and fresh assortment of vegetables and whole grains around, it's amazing to me that people can survive while filling their bodies with waste day in and out! Truly, truly gross.

I had an interesting conversation with my neighbor on the second plane. Aaron, a recovering drug addict, gave me a hard time about having two bloody mary's, then we talked about our entire lives from birth to babies (he has one on the way). He was a really nice guy. I wish him the best of luck with sobriety and his new family.

Dawn is ridiculous. We went to a friend's house last night to hang out around their pool and drink Coronas. Megan, Michael and I drove to pick her up and she came out of the house wearing a gigantic tie-dye Grateful Dead shirt and the shortest shorts in the whole universe. We were all laughing so hard when she got in the car, and she just smiled and said, "What? It's Dead Bertha, jerks! You can't laugh at this, I'm wearing it in all seriousness!!!" And she was! I'm going to miss that little girl.

I got home to find that my three dogs each left me tangible expressions of their anger at my having been gone so long. Poop everywhere in the house! They must have sensed my coming home, and just let loose. Talk about anal retentive! As I did a walk-through of the house, just when I'd think I'd gotten the last of it up, JUST when my knees felt ready to give out from kneeling on them while scrubbing pooped-on ground, I'd find ONE MORE poop. Soooooo annoying!

I'm so exhausted. I have to go to bed now. But you'll hear from me again. Don't fret! I have all the time in the world! Well, I have started knitting a poncho, so maybe not ALL the time in the world...

This is my first post ever. I have decided to keep this journal so that I will have something to dedicate my extra time to from now on. As I live in the middle of no-where, it can get a bit lonely. Don't get me wrong- my three dogs are saints, good friends, loyal companions. But, they cannot respond with more than pleading, understanding eyes and gentle whimpers, and I'm afraid I do need more communication than that.

I'm not even at home right now to receive their compassionate woofs. They are being cared for by a person paid to feed and pet them twice a day. They are likely unhappy about this, but I spent the whole winter holed up with them in that little cabin, so now is the time to get out and about, get the lead out, as they say. I'm visiting some friends in the Los Angeles area. Specifically, I am staying in the suburbs right now at Megan's. Megan has been a sweetheart, my best friend. She listens to my rambling incoherent thoughts and feelings, and she always has fun adventures planned for whenever I visit. We went on a beautiful bike ride yesterday as the sun was coming down over the hills. It was spectacular. You don't expect to see anything really sublime in southern California, but it's not as ugly as the smoggy postcards make it out to be. Megan even helped me make a picnic to take to the beach today.

I picked up Dawn in my shitty rental car today and we went to the beach. Considering I don't live near any beaches worth the drive, and Dawn has spent a good deal of her year inside of doors, watching children for a living, we were quite an alabaster spectacle! Blinding, I'm sure. We had so much fun, despite being stared at by bug-eyed kids (chocolate smeared across their faces), and their sunbathing mothers. We found plenty of sea shells for future necklaces, and Dawn ate an inconceivable amount of chips and salsa. Really, I'm amazed that the girl is so slender! She even spilled mango salsa all over herself on the drive back, which she blamed on the winding road, but all I know is that her jean shorts were covered, as was the upholstery of my shitty rental car. Oops.
Shortly after the salsa incident, she talked me into buying her a box of real strawberry popsicles, three of which she ate promptly, then realizing they were melting in their wrappers because of the heat, made me eat two. The last, she set on top of an anthill, and yelled, "ENJOY!" then she chanted something, then smiled and skipped back to the car. What a straaaange child! She also insisted on playing a cd she burned today by a band called Q65, which she wouldn't stop talking about the entire time. I've never met a girl so obsessed with music.

Now Megan is in the shower and I'm trying to kill some time watching her salamanders chill out in their tank here in her living room. I'm also incredibly stoned, for the first time in probably a year, and I feel strange. I'm meeting up with Dawn again after Megan and I have dinner with her boyfriend Michael. I leave tomorrow, so we're going to have a fun fare-thee-well tonight.

I can't believe I've been in and around LA for the past week! It's going to be quite a change, going back to my home with no human contact, after having the option of constant in-person communication with people for nine days.

I hope this was a good beginning. It's all I have for right now. Too much sun and salsa for me today!